The gospel of John, chapter 6.

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The gospel of John, chapter 6.

Version updated by the right-wing.

Then Jesus, seeing that the multitude followed him all day, realized that they were hungry.

Standing, about 7,000 people heard his words in the city of Tabgha in Galilee. The sun was burning their skin, and they were poor, orphans, widows, sick, unemployed, and all the excluded from the Greater Jerusalem.

Andrew, His disciple, said:

– Master, the people are hungry.

Jesus, then, having compassion on those people who were listening to him, looked at Andrew and said:

– Give them something to eat.

But Andrew replied,

– Master, we have only five loaves of hard bread and two cans of tuna.

– Tell the people to sit on the ground. In groups of 10, of 50, of 100.

And Jesus took the hard bread, and opened the cans of tuna, and said:

– Thank you, my Father, for this food.

And He distributed it to everyone. Poor, sick, tired, blacks, gays, women, trans,

gypsies,

detainees,

discouraged,

crack users,

indigent,

losers,

slum dwellers,

excluded,

marginalized,

criminalized.

The sun was about to set and the disciples were still feeding the people. And the evening came, and the people were still eating, because they were many, and the hunger was great.

An endless hunger. An endless problem.

A problem that Caesar, the emperor, Pilate, the governor, or Herod could not solve.

In the absence of the State, a black man from the ghettos of Judea, the slumdog of Nazareth, of ill-famed among the police and the religious, but a friend of whores, and potheads, He gave bread and water to a multitude of hungry, food-insecure people, those that nobody wanted.

He multiplied the food, in a miracle.

That is the gospel of this Christ.

Repent of the mistakes of the past, and welcome to the Utopia of the Kingdom of God, where no one goes hungry anymore.

While some were still eating, and Jesus was still multiplying food, a woman, a professor from a certain Law School, approached the disciples who were serving the hungry and asked:

– Who is the leader of you here?

They all looked at Jesus.

The woman came, full of herself, a transfigured face, the semblance of demons, her hair disheveled, and said:

– Are you the so-called Jesus?

– Yes.

– Dude, you have to stop this messy crap here. It’s already 11 o’clock at night! Be aware of what neighborhood you are in, have you seen it around? Seaside, beachfront. All residents from this zip code are friends of mine. Judges, congressmen, businessmen. And nobody can sleep with these fucking thugs talking and celebrating. What a smell of shit, what a disgrace. This hoard of savages piled up here, you are fucking feeding the crime. Come on, man! You’re here being a criminal too, because whoever feeds the crime is a criminal. You’re a criminal. You’re worthless. Are you out of your mental faculty? Giving food to the poor…

If they are poor, it’s because they didn’t work their asses out.

They don’t like to work, they are communists, they like to live off the welfare state, they live off the good citizens’ taxes. You have to stop giving them the fish, and start teaching them how to fish instead, godammit!

Each one of these bums should create a startup, mining bitcoins.

Bunch of potheads and whores. And you there, applauding this fuckery, thinking it’s good. You know what? You are one of them. Look at me, I am important. You don’t mess with me, because I have already overthrown a president woman in Brazil. I am the voice of reason. I pray Hail Mary, and you…

– Mary, …my mother?

– Indeed

– My mother, is she aware of it?

– She is supposed to know, I am very important.

Jesus looks to his mother, who was behind him, and asks her:

– What do you know about this, mom?

– My son, when you become a public figure, your name is like a bone in a dog’s mouth. I cross to another sidewalk every time I see this one, who swears she knows me…

Then the woman, drooling with hatred, said she was going to call the Metropolitan Guard of Galilee. And she demanded that Jesus get out of there. She kicked him out of town.

Jesus left. He gathered his things, assembled his hoard, and went down the road.

The disciples, pissed as fuck, inquired Jesus, right there in the middle of the road:

– Master, what’s it gonna be? Are we going to get back there and beat the shit out of that bitch?

And Jesus answered:

– Her time, and everyone else’s, will come. But now I must control myself, because my hand is itching to perform another miracle here, which would be fucking marvelous.

– What is that, Master?

– To resurrect Lazarus.

And everyone broke out into assholes. Speechless.

Lucky for some people, that Jesus is not a revengeful guy.